I can text with my tongue
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
