i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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