he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
