I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
