It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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