He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
