I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
