I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
