o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
