She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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