I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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