i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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