If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
