Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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