my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
