I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
