I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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