This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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