Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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