Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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