My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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