I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
