"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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