I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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