No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
