cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.