Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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