I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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