i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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