He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
