I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
