I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
