I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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