Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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