I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dignity is for republicans.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
