I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
