you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
