and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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