We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
