at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
