dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
