A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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