The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
