2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
