I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
