Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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