my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
