im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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