Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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