one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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