I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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