Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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