What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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