When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
